This is the thing: I started this blog to write about life as I see it and as it happens, and what’s happening right now is crappy and beautiful.

Do you know I was well into my married life before I ever said the word “crap”? The word was never spoken in my parents’ house. It was an ugly word. Now I say it quite freely. It’s my ugly word. And when you are in pain, you sometimes want to say ugly words. So I say, “Crap, crap, crap!” Yes, I do. I’m sorry to disappoint you.

And if things get a little worse, I say, “Crapper John.” Worse, “Crapper John, M.D.!” And REALLY bad: “Crappanonymous!” This is my way.

So, the past 24 hours have been crappanonymous. The thing about this dang grieving process is that you get what the experts call “emotional ambushes.” That means you are feeling all fine and good, and then–BAM–something hits you in the gut. Then you have to heave a few sobs to work through it.

I took my grandbaby to a doctor appointment today–a check-up–and this is something Emily and I used to do together. The doctor is over an hour away, so this is a day trip when all is said and done. We would eat lunch and enjoy the day.

And it–Emily’s absence–just fell over me last night like a heavy blanket and was there to meet me when I got up this morning. And the usual people who might have accompanied me today couldn’t make it, so it was just B and me. Oh, if that little girl could talk, she could tell some stories about me today!

So here comes the beautiful part: Brooklyn. She is one of the beautiful parts of my life right now. And to top it off, she is so sweet and expressive and personable. Her smile lights the room.

And oh, her kisses! They are sloppy, and yes, sometimes they hurt when she clamps down with her two upper and two lower teeth onto your cheek, but it hurts so good!

Life is crappy and beautiful. And isn’t that what Jesus said it would be?

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10) “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

The crappy and the beautiful.