It’s time to write again. I haven’t written in this blog for many months because it had become a log of my grief journey and, frankly, I got tired of grieving. Moreover, I was really tired of talking about it.
When you don’t talk about it, you begin the task of telling yourself that you’re okay, that you were blessed to have her 21 years, that you’re blessed to have other precious daughters, that you’re blessed she left such a wonderful little human behind so full of love and sweetness. You try to find the good, all the good you can, hoping it will overcome all the bad you feel inside. And when it doesn’t, you feel worse.
When you lose someone, a part of yourself is missing that can never be reclaimed. Sure, you go on with life, you find many moments of joy. But the hole is always there. The missing returns.
So you keep a secret drawer with a few items of her favorite clothes. And you retreat to press your face into them, searching for the familiar scent of her that has long since faded.
When you take a family picture it’s never whole. It’s imperfect. It’s incomplete. The heart sees what the eyes don’t. She’s always missing.
You better believe your heart will never let you remember any times your beautiful, sweet, soft-spoken daughter was anything but. Your head knows different, but the heart speaks louder. Recalling only good times. Good times. Good times. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.
The sweeter the memories, the stronger the pain. Oh, my heart, why you gotta be so mean?
I think for the rest of my earthly days I will travel this path back and forth, the sad and the sweet, the despair and the hope, the head and the heart.
This is what missing someone feels like.
Suzanne Leitz 
beautiful! love you >
Love you, too, Michele!
Walking on 21mos.now i put his things n ziploc bags..beautifully explAined i definitely understand you
I’m sorry for your loss. May God comfort your heart.
To say I feel your pain I can’t .I see the same pain in my sister who lost her daughter about 23 years ago . My heart breaks for anyone who’s lost a child I’m so sorry
Thank you!
March 1 will make five years for me. As much as I love Bill and can’t imagine life without him; I still miss Mike. Sometimes, the smallest things will just flare up a memory that hurts of so bad. Love you!
Love you, too, Nancy!
I cannot say I know how you feel and I hope that I never know that feeling, I have watched my mother go through this. My brother passed 8 years ago at the age of 21. He left behind 2 beautiful boys that we are all so thankful for. The part that I do understand is the search for something good but there always being a hole. I don’t feel it as a mother, but as a sister. Thank you for sharing this, it is beautiful.
Thank you, Monica!
I feel you. I lost both my grandfather (who had been present for 25 years of my life) and one of my best friends last year. Thank you for writing what I was not able to verbalize these past few months.
Sending virtual hugs and prayers!
Thank you!
Am so sorry for your grief, sometimes our loved ones are sent into our life s just to create a lasting memory in our lifes and when there are taking away, its very difficult for us to continue without them.i understand your pain because i was so lost and deep in pain when my lovely brother died, i felt so defected by death untill i started being grateful to God for the little time he was with me on earth before answering the call of glory.just always remember the beautiful moments your daughter created in you while she was still alive and be grateful for the great time you spent with her😍 believe me , you will fill better.please try and be strong in this for God is with you.
Thank you! God is indeed my strength!
Amen and God will continue to console and comfort you until you fill ok🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I haven’t heard such a clear and evocative description of such a desperate moment. I will still go and search for my father’s overcoat, smelling his scent, in a desperate attempt to cling on to his memory and create a sensory phantom of his presence.
Thank you for writing this, I feel that familiar happiness intermingled with sadness as I write.
Yes! Desperately searching to “create a sensory phantom” of her presence! Thank you for responding.
Losing a child changes you forever.
I love your secret drawer. When you open it, let the pain flow. It helps to cope, even if only a little.
Yes, ma’am, needing the tangible to “create a sensory phantom” of her presence, as Henners said in a comment above. Everything helps, doesn’t it?
So very beautiful. Your pain is felt and the missing I totally understand but with so much love there…how can it be any other way. Blessings and big hugs x
Blessings and hugs received and greatly appreciated! Thanks!
Welcome back to your blog, and I am truly sorry for your loss!
Thank you so much!
To lose a child…..the worst thing I could ever imagine. I image your living nightmare is even worse. Bless you x
As your username plainly says, “It’s just not easy.” However, I have a hope and biblical promise that I will see her again. 🙂
Yes and hold on tight to that hope…. until you hold her in your arms again…. wishing you good blessings x
To talk always helps, face to face or shouting into the sky for everyone to hear
Yes!
Sending you huge hugs and so much love. This resonated with me. You described the grief and the longing so well. So many hugs to you. ❤
Thank you, Ms. Sutton!
This made me tear up. Beautiful ❤
Thank you!
I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words. (I lost my mom recently and I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other still. She was my mom-dad-sister-best friend-housemate-travel companion. Basically, my world.) We must soldier on. It is what they would want us to do, no matter heartbreakingly difficult that is. Be strong. Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry for your loss, Heather! I’m sure you will feel the loss in many different ways on many different days. And don’t be surprised if you think you are going alone just fine, and then BAM! A grief ambush. Triggered by something we can never quite foresee. Yes, they would want us to go on, but they would also understand that journey will always be difficult. As long as we breathe we will love and miss them, but oh, how thankful we are to have had them in our lives!
Yes. You have expressed, with tender eloquence, exactly what it is like. Thank you for that.
Thank you. I’m glad it touched you.
Sad! May she rest in peace!
Thank you, Hassan!
Mention not. And what she has left behind you must invest a lot on for the success in here and the hereafter, as one of your heart part just gone leaving everything behind.
Brought tears to my eyes, apart from being just a teenager to completely understand what it feels like. I nearly felt i was in your place. But everything that happens, has a good reason behind it. Shes in a better place than this. try moving on and writing about some other positive things, listen to some different kind of music, read positive things and watch some fun TV shows, get close to other people, try forgetting even though its the hardest. Try. Ill pray for you. I hope you feel good. Stay blessed..
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for your sweet sentiments.
no problem until it makes you feel good.
I don’t know your pain, or anything close to it. But I read your post, thought of my little one and wiped a tear away. Thank you for sharing. I hope in some way it helps you or someone else.
Thank you, David.
When my mother died it hit me directly in the heart. It shook me like an earthquake. I was living out of state when she died. I longed to be there in the end, but I wasn’t. I don’t feel guilty about this, but I am sad that I wasn’t present. I reminisce about my mom thru music. The Blues specifically. She played the Blues greats all my childhood. I remember her when I listen to a bluesman she loved. It brings me back to our days in the deep and hot south sitting around the kitchen table listening and laughing. I don’t have the physical to remember her, but the music allows me to revisit my days with my mom. Your voice was so poetic and visual. It’s as of you wrote out your grief and the emotion leaped from the page. Thanks for sharing. It was brilliant.
Yes, I’ve found when I share the raw it touches people. Creating a bond with others is always strengthening.
this is beautiful
Thank you so much.
Love you Suzanne…You are truly inspiring and I loved your blog❤
Suzanne, I’m in awe of the precious beauty of your words, the rawness, the stillness, wondering if and when you can let go of grief. No one can judge the weight of your pain…but it seems that you are making space for the light. Love and light.
Thank you so much. Yes, letting in the light!
Hey, thanks for opening up like that. You’re very courageous. God bless you.
Thank you, Gilberto. God bless you, too.
Beautifully written…I hope I never have to experience this kind of loss but if I do; I hope to find this post to look upon for the strength I’m sure I’ll need.
Thank you!
This was beautifully written! My thoughts are with you. ❤
Thank you, Ratika!
Not enough words in the world or time that can patch this wound, my heart hurts for you. Happy to see you’re trying to move forward, you deserve to be a person again too!
Thank you so much!
Beautifully written
Thank you!
“I think for the rest of my earthly days I will travel this path back and forth, the sad and the sweet, the despair and the hope, the head and the heart.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Only one who has walked this path can truly understand.
Remembering my precious boy – Jason David Carney 7/29/82 – 3/3/02
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, Rebecca. As parents we never wanted to join the Parents-Who’ve-Lost-Children Club, but here we find ourselves. Knowing our pain is somewhat understood by others helps a little. May God comfort us all.
Rebecca, I’m incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.
Beautiful ❤
Thank you!
So sorry for your loss, Suzanne. She sounds perfect. I can’t imagine your loss, but I can imagine the immense strength that is in your heart, as well as that little bit more she is giving you from up there. Your courage, love, and faith is inspiring. You are never alone. Will be praying for you, her, and yours. God Bless all of you, and to Christ the Resurrection be all the Glory
Amen, JC! Thank you for your kind words, your prayers, and encouragement.
I love the honesty of “I got tired of grieving.” Me, too! I have written so much about it that I added Grief as a menu item on my blog in the Series section. Your whole post is compelling, but the most profound words (to me) are “I think for the rest of my earthly days I will travel this path back and forth, the sad and the sweet, the despair and the hope, the head and the heart.” So true. I am so very, very sorry for your loss, and rejoice for you that you had this wonderful person in your life for 21 years. My loss was my Dad, and you have perfectly captured how I feel about losing him.
And finally, that line, “Oh my heart, why you gotta be so mean?” could be a Top 100 country and western song. You really have a way with words.
Best to you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail. As a writer I’m sure you know that when we open up and share the raw stuff it is not comfortable, but that it what touches people.
Yes, and, for me at least, it is cathartic and therapeutic, a release of a small piece of the grief-burden.
This made me cry, I’m truly sorry for your loss ❤❤
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
Stay strong. I’ve lost a sister when I was young, and it has left a dent in my parent’s hearts. Years have passed but our family will always be incomplete. Our only comfort is knowing she’s in a better place watching over us. In God’s perfect time we will be reunited, so will you.
Yes, we will! Such a wonderful day to look forward to!
Well-done it’s lovely.
Thank you so much.
And yeah, the feeling really is bizarre.
I am sorry for your loss. Xo
Thank you, Rachel.
If a caterpillar can butterfly why can’t I. We are forever changed into what I’m not exactly sure but I’m sure its something beautiful.losing love isn’t fair fun but at least we’ve experienced it.some ppl never do. I try to celebrate his life when i gather the strength on those lighter days to do something.and days when i don’t i reflect and hold my memories thoughts closer
Good advice, to celebrate their lives! Thank you!
More power to you!
Thank you, Zoha!
A beautiful expression of human emotion. Thank you for it.
Thank you, Phil.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your story . I’ve never had anyone explain my grief the way you did. I sometimes do things the way my father used to , just to feel a little closer to him.
I’m sorry for your loss as well. We search for ways to be close to them again, don’t we?
Oh gosh, you’ve brought me to tears xx such a powerful post, my heart goes out to you 💕
Thank you, Carrie.
Pingback: Or you find remnants of *that skirt or dress* you made ….the white fabric….Melina wanted a white dress. – this crazy little thing called love
Wow!
So profound…
I found myself crying.
I’ve recently started my blog “Lymexists.” It’s comforting knowing that we’re not alone in pain.
Hang in there, G-do’s with you!
You are right! Thank you.
I have never experienced a loss, thank G-d. Yet as I am going through my own painful journey I can understand others in their suffering, too.
I know this is not applicable- but would anyone care to check out my blog?
Need some feedback!
Nice!
😊
Pingback: Missing – Kristalin Davis' Musings on the Human Condition
Hello, I came across your Blog by accident, but stayed because of the
First sentence I saw about smelling her clothes, and of course, having done this myself for the absence of a loved one presence, I had to continue. I do not pretend to know what you wrote about feels like, but I felt in me to tell you that your letter was written in such a way that I could visualize you telling me this in a personal moment and I was just listening and it was just a moment I can’t seem to explain properly here, but the real reason for this reply is that you wrote something beautiful, and also heartbreaking in the same sentence, ” the heart sees what the eyes don’t” and it causing me to feel those emotions very much in a real way, and I thought that this is valuable and means something. Thank you for sharing,
Thank you so much for sharing this! It’s an encouragement to me.
Thank you. 🙂
Beautifully written. It’s so hard to express the aftermath of loss and doing what brings comfort is the important. ♥️
Thank you!
Very moving. ❤️ from one mom to another, never stop missing, never stop writing, and never ever stop loving!
Wow! Great advice, and I will remember it! Thank you!